Time for Some Action
Taking chances and making connections in real life.
I would love to flirt over some fruits or vegetables in the supermarket and have a meet cute, but some of those days are long gone. Some. If you are fortunate enough to have a situation like that present itself, then roll with it. Otherwise, it’s time for some action.
What action will you take now that you have figured out that you have to move past wanting to get started?
If you're not about going online, and you don't want to succumb to the inevitability of online dating, then it's in real life. At some point, after venturing out and being in different settings, then you're going to have to engage. There's many levels of it. You don't have to come out hot and heavy either.
Guess what? Other folks out there are scared, nervous, cautious, and don't want to make a first move either. But, if you want someone one day, then you have to talk to people, exchange looks, learn about them, and “see” them.
I enjoy talking to people in general. If I am curious about someone then I will converse with them. Someone may catch my eye by how they carry themselves, hearing them interact with others, or by their aesthetic or style.
I may become intrigued by a person, and it does not have to be about dating. It could be a guy or girl who just has something that piqued my interest. I can find the smallest or most obvious thing to chat with them about. Being observant is helpful but being genuine is key.
For me, the other component to this is that there is no agenda other than answering the question in my mind: what are they drinking; what did they order; what are they reading; who are they?? I respect whatever reaction they have to me speaking to them or when I make an inquiry. Often, I just say exactly what I am thinking:
“You have such style and I just wanted to tell you that it’s very___”
—>[cool, chic, notable, on point].
“Excuse me, I don’t want to intrude on your time, but can I ask you about your___”
—>[drink, book, cologne/perfume, haircut, food].
“You caught my eye and I wanted to say hello.”
Those are a few examples and again, that’s for guys or girls.
At times, their demeanor softens fairly quickly. We could have a 2-minute, 5-minute, or 20-minute conversation. The main thing is that I am engaged with them, making eye contact, and I am actively listening. That constitutes the being “seen” thing. I go off of what the other person is giving or not giving. If the conversation is fading, then I thank them for their time and wish them well.
If the person is stand-offish from the start, then I keep the interaction quick. I then thank them for letting me borrow some time from them and I wish them well. That can end with a shared smile and sometimes with a handshake. If I bump into that person again, they usually smile, nod, or wave the next time I see them. If they were very chilly in any part of our interaction - then that is that. I do not push or proceed any further.
I am genuine in my inquiries, and I think me enjoying meeting them or chatting with them is quite apparent. There are usually takeaways from these interactions, and I achieve what I intended - to learn something and make an introduction.
It is important to note that I am not always enthralled with a person, but it is usually a positive experience. You might find yourself moving away from some folks quickly, after learning more, or because you're not into what you saw or learned. These encounters are good practice, and it gets your confidence up. You need reps and practice. You just do. That’s how you improve and become more comfortable.
Think about where you can get these reps in. It’s okay to scout who is out and about at usual places where you hang out. That is a fine place to start. It will be helpful to explore different settings where you can interact with people. Going to places connected to interests that you have will give you an easy set-up of things to discuss.
Venturing out to places that are related to something that you are not familiar with, but are interested in exploring, will give you a chance to chat with someone and learn something. Having conversations where someone is teaching you something or informing you about a topic or place is another launchpad for initiating and sustaining discourse.
If it is very tough for you, then I would start with the familiar place and engage with someone you don’t know. It does not have to be for the purpose of dating or sparking romance. Just have a chat, learn something about someone, and see how it goes. While you are getting reps in for yourself and engaging with a person – be committed to learning a detail about them and be genuine with your interest.
If you are not exactly shy but you may be intimidated or unsure about initiating contact with someone new – you will have to overcome that initial wave of protecting yourself from potential rejection or a perceived lack of acceptance. You can do it. Letting go of your ego, which does not mean it is a big one, is key.
One’s self-esteem is under attack throughout the dating process. The ups and downs of making connections with others can pick at your sense of self. You may ask, “Why don’t they want me” or “What is it about me that is not resonating” with a person. Those are not the questions to ask yourself. It does not help your confidence and that direction of thought can make some feel debilitated, depressed, and discouraged.
Each instance, encounter, and experience with one person does not add up to this ultimate designation of who you are, what you have to offer, and your worth.
Let’s keep it simple and start out with a “Hello.” Let’s explore something different and learn something new about someone else. The main thing, which is important, is to let someone be “seen” and…let them see you.
Go be seen – I think it’s going to be good…
