Moving Past Wanting

Being honest with yourself, being open, and deciding what you can do.

There’s a good amount of self-examination involved with moving past the wanting of a new person in your life, new relationship, and new love. If you can tackle some of the questions posed in the “How Do I Start” post, you will start to examine where you are mentally, emotionally, and what actions you are comfortable in taking to make connections with people. 

At each stage of taking steps and chances, more questions will pop up along the way. Are you comfortable in your skin? Are you good with yourself that you can let someone else in to a certain degree? Can you give yourself grace during this time of exploration? 

I am more comfortable in my skin these days, but I float in and out of that. Aging may have a hand in that for the good and the bad. I have gotten to a place where I am too tired of pulling myself down, being hypercritical, and wasting my own time with those messy thoughts. Thank you, mid-forties. 

Sometimes I chuckle and flatly say to myself - “these fellas see what you’ve got, they like it, and they keep coming.” Also, there’s no hiding when you’re naked. Just facts. Plus, I know that I do like, and I want to get to the naked part - either I accept what I am working with or suspend that bs…and get naked. 

Look, we all have an idea of what our ideal self would be like on the inside and look like on the outside. I know that I am amazing. I know it, but I don’t always talk to myself like I am or feel like I am. In the same breath, I like action. I like adventure and shenanigans too. I am very curious and lean into mischief here and there. That’s what moved me past wanting, towards action, and continuously taking risks. I trusted myself and the desire for more put the sheer idea of want in the rearview.

If you get stuck at the want, then what? Sitting there wishing and hoping for anything to happen or change is not doing anything for you. 

You can start slow and always go at a pace that works for you. I have to note that I have had conversations with some ladies where they seem certain in their want but when it comes to doing something - that’s a different story. I feel for them and respect that they have to be where they are. I talk to them about what is the real thing that seems to be blocking them. 

One divorced single mom asked me how do I meet so many people, have adventures, and seem to be so free about it? She followed it up by saying, “How do you get out of your head?” I said, “About what?” She replied, “About getting naked and being with someone?” This woman is a stunner. She’s successful, smart, has style, and…is scared. 

She said that she could not picture getting naked in front of a new person. We talked and I told her that she jumped ahead about 30 steps. While she could think about that, I asked her if she could picture kissing someone and she started to visibly fold into herself. I almost wanted her to have a Fried Green Tomatoes mirror moment with herself. I did not know her well enough to delve into if she explored herself and pleasured herself. Those are valid questions, but I was not sure if she could handle them, and I did not want to put her on the spot. Some might think that’s intrusive and too forward to ask but if we cannot talk about it, how are you going to get to doing it or anything about that? How can you make any progress?

We broke things down a bit more and we discussed her comfort with speaking to men or if she was interested in anyone. She mentioned being interested in a man who is in her network of people. I encouraged her to have some extended chats with him the next time they crossed paths. I think that she is someone who could come across as intimidating to some men and if she gave some minor signals to this guy maybe something would happen. Overall, she could enjoy more conversations and getting to know him with more engagement. I believed that he would let her know if he was available and I really felt that he would ask her out. She said she would attempt to engage him the next time they met. We will see what happens, fingers crossed. 

There are a number of ladies who are a bit more advanced and experienced in dating and may not need help with talking to people but are still in a rut, a quiet place, or just over it. We will explore that later because some of that has to do with being tired in this game. Timeouts are restorative and can be a necessary part of dating. (I will also share some experiences about this later in another post.)

If you’re looking to ease into getting “out there,” then a seemingly simple thing would be to go out and be around people. You can watch people, be in a social setting, and look around. You can see what’s out there. Depending on what kind of scenes you like, I would suggest events that are connected to an interest or hobby of yours. Those are good, especially if bars, places that have music, restaurants with a hangout vibe are not for you. Overall, diversify the kinds of outings that you would be open to and hopefully broaden the opportunities you have to meet someone out and about.

Moving past wanting is an action. You have to make moves. You have to decide if you can take chances, be exposed, vulnerable, available, accessible, and open. Being open is so important. I go glass half-full in the thinking that being open will allow a lot of good to flow your way. The other side of that is that other things can flow in as well. We’re going to stay positive and stay in the sun on this one. 

We’ll go with applying a version of good, giving, game, (GGG) towards our openness (Thanks Dan Savage).

At least, I hope you can try…