Touch...and "The Fabric of Our Lives."

The desire and importance of physical contact.

I have come to notice that many people are missing a key aspect of life, which is so important - touch. As I actively engage with others, and as one who observes people and life, this is something of note that has often come up. I have listened to the stories of those who long for something as simple, yet essential, as physical contact.

As I thought of the importance of touch in our lives - I kept thinking of and hearing “The Touch, the Feel of Cotton - The Fabric of Our Lives,” which was a slogan and commercial for cotton. As per Cotton, Inc’s website, cotton is “a natural, sustainable fiber that has far-reaching benefits for every aspect of your life.”

Well cotton, I think there is something to that sentiment. It also aligns with physical touch and feelings related to that being a part of “The Fabric of Our Lives.” There are far-reaching benefits to touch, which could have significant effects on aspects of your life.

Despite having family and friends, people still feel the absence of touch because they do not experience a particular physical closeness. There are people out there who are not being embraced, who are not having their skin touched, not getting kissed, not having their hair stroked, who are not being caressed, and they desperately need it. They yearn for it.

Many people go days, weeks, or even years without a simple hug, a comforting placement of a hand on a back, shoulder, or cheek. People are missing the warmth of another person being near them. Yet, I feel that some bear this want and their feelings about it in silence. It can be a quiet struggle that few talk about, but it affects many.

These observations pull at the heartstrings and can be sobering. The effects of this are real. It can drain people emotionally and make them feel disconnected and unseen. Without touch, confidence can fade, loneliness grows, and isolation becomes a heavy burden. Some try to convince themselves they do not need touch, but deep down, barring some specific circumstances, we all do.

The warmth of another person is valuable and fortifying. At least, it is for me. I have realized how much touch means to me. Without it, life can feel a little colder, less bright, and there can be echoes of a hollowness that persists in the background.

Prior to divorce, there was a time when my separation progressed and became more defined, I experienced a change in physical contact and a lack of touch. During the separation, we moved away from each other in a host of ways. The emotional distance between us became physical, and the physical portion had a variety of levels to that as well.

Without the sweetness and affection towards one another, any kind of touch felt hollow and cold. The shared bed that once felt warm became cold and empty. Even when we accidentally touched, it felt distant, like a reminder of how far apart we had grown. Those were the times when I experienced the “cold bed.”

The cold bed is when you both get in and no matter how close you are there is a mile of distance. You feel that frigid temperature that is in the air between you. Simply, it lacks warmth. The frost started forming at night, as the process of going to bed began. On the outset, we were turning away from each other, and it was very symbolic.

Everyone sleeps differently. I can potentially fall asleep on someone, but I don't sleep wrapped up in someone. However, I do usually end up touching some part of my body to some part of their body when I go to sleep.

With my ex, I cannot exactly pinpoint when that coldness and distance developed but it became a norm. It became such a norm that I did not realize it had happened until we were incidentally touching and that was out of the norm, awkward, and something that was jarring. The cold bed was even colder once we reached a certain level of our separation.

Later, there came a time when there was no point to being in the same bed. I think we both just felt better. We went through varying stages of space growing between us and shifting. Before that point and later, there was relief in not having to carry the weight of trying to be together in the bed or overall. There was some respite in at least taking a break.

Through our separation, I think our own wants and needs became more apparent. They ended up being specifically individual and distinct, which was reinforced over time. The being separate part of our lives became more defined, which also meant that the need for touch and closeness was a gaping hole that was growing.

I remember when I was feeling particularly isolated from touch and physical contact; I was not fully aware of how much I was feeling it or was affected. One day, I was at work and ran into a colleague I had not seen in a long time. I bumped into him outside my office, and he was a very tall and broad guy. He was excited to see me, and I was hyped to see him. He came up to me and we both had big smiles on our faces, and he wrapped his arms around me.

I laid my head on his chest and then I melted into his embrace. He held me for about a minute and he said, “You really needed that didn't you?” I did. I also didn't know how much I needed it until that moment when I felt like I was hugging a huge cuddly teddy bear.

Here was my friend and he was safe. I could just let everything go in the moment. It was so valuable and precious. I still remember it to this day and that was almost 10 years ago. I can completely recount the feeling of that coziness, warmth, and the safe feeling that I had.

To make it along the way, I believe that I survived periods with less touch in my life by being able to go from lily pad to lily pad of encounters with physical touch. That is how I made it until I was engaged with or involved with someone on a regular or frequent basis. There was enough contact where I felt fed. I would get to a place where I did not feel starved or even hungry when it came to touch.

I feel like we are in a day and age where physical engagement is lessening, where human contact can be less available, and is not always thought about or possibly the desire. People stay in this cocoon of comfort that is not exactly comforting. It's safe-ish but not secure.

I don't know how I would survive without physical contact on a regular basis. I find that it levels me out besides utterly enjoying being close to someone and being enfolded by someone. There is something that is just so heartwarming about having someone's arms around you, having someone’s cheek against your cheek, and having someone's face pressed into your neck. My thoughts tend to linger on anyone who wants that, does not have it, and has not had the comfort of those feelings - in a long time or ever.

Receiving affection and warmth from friends and family can move the needle a little bit but sometimes it is not enough. Some people I have talked to desire that connection so badly. Not having that physical embrace, that physical engagement, or that physical connection can mess with a person.

I have seen how it leaves people depleted, somber, and erodes their hope. I have witnessed it effecting their confidence. It can make them more withdrawn, and for some, it feels like a part of them has been dimmed. There are some people that have described how they manage and “just get by.”

In these instances, there is no physical touch. There is no person in their life that can deliver that kind of physical connection that they would hope for. There is no one they feel comfortable enough with. There is no one to be vulnerable with and to let in. In certain instances, the hope of that physical touch is more painful, or possibly painful, than the lack of that touch itself. Here is something they so desire but are not experiencing.

So, then what do you do? It is tough, because even if you have learned to live with it, the lack of physical connection, and adapting does not mean that is wholly serving you. I understand that it can be out of one’s control to be able to obtain that essential touch. People can also tend to give up on it after a significant amount of time has passed. That resignation can shift to survival.

I was recently out with a couple girlfriends and they both live different kinds of lives. One is out there, quite adventurous, travels, and is open to dating or has dated in the past couple years. The other let go of dating and being with someone over a decade ago. She lives an active life full of social activities, family time, and outings with friends.

We were talking about being touched by someone and my bold friend said that she would love to feel a man’s touch on her skin, but it is just not happening. She has not come across anyone who is interested in her or vice versa. She has close ties with friends and family and gets snuggles from nieces and nephews, which fills her with joy. However, our eyes met at one point, and while they were locked in, I felt her saying, “but that is not the same.”

We discussed her previously being in a particular situationship, which baffled her and us too. The guy was “there” and their overall situation was okay. At some point, he was essentially a warm body - my words not hers. She did not end it sooner than she did, because she was getting affection, and some elements of companionship were being met. Although, the latter was the least of her worries since she has a busy social schedule, thriving business, and a close-knit and large family.

Towards the end of our conversation, my other friend admitted that she was still open to connecting with someone and having physical closeness. She could imagine having a companion, having intimacy, but was not concerned with sex. It was not at the forefront of her mind, but those thoughts were still in there. Due to this open dialogue, this was the first time that she directly expressed these thoughts so freely.

I also discussed the topic of touch with a dear soul, friend, and writing partner of mine. He brought up that there is another layer of this that varies between men and women. Women have contact and closeness with other women and there is a lack of that with men. That purview was not at the front of my mind. I was thinking about people in general and not necessarily where the experiences diverged.

Thinking about the stigma of being vulnerable and that being compared with masculinity is a challenge that is laced with judgment for men. As women, we can openly hug one another, kiss each on the cheek or lips, and openly cuddle with one another. An embrace between friends is sweet and exudes affection.

Most guys, they do the one arm bro hug, with slaps on the backs, dap each other up, or bump knuckles and fists. Us ladies can have sleepovers at any age, snuggle under the covers in bed, and show each other sisterly love through friendship. No one is questioning the closeness between women and that openness. Most men cannot do that. That, in and of itself, is very sad.

Looking at men's experiences with physical touch can be complex and can vary widely based on individual boundaries with vulnerability, societal norms, and cultural influences. Men can face struggling with emotions regarding touch, expressing their needs, feeling detached, and being conflicted about being perceived as weak. It would be important to create environments where men feel comfortable expressing their desire for physical affection without shame and criticism.

We live in a time where physical connection is seemingly fading, and while it might feel safer to keep our distance, it can also make life feel lonelier. It is not something to be taken for granted, to be “done” without, or to be brushed off as insignificant.

I think about those who long for it, those who have learned to live without it, and those who do not even realize what they are missing. I have found that physical touch is important for living a life full of color, vibrance, and warmth.

I feel that the absence of touch is not always about solitude, it is about the lack of meaningful and intentional contact. My hope is that we do not forget the simple and powerful act of reaching out.

When given freely and with care, touch is such a gift. One that I believe is essential and is a vital part of the fabric of our lives.