Build-A-Boo - A Buffet of Experiences...
Rosters, Rotations, and Reserves...OH MY!!
I am in a good place with my dating life. There can be hills and valleys all-around or just around the corner. I have come to a place where I have made some decisions about what I want, through trial, error, and my ventures in the dating game. I have had different goals during the past 10 years after getting separated and then post-divorce. I established my wants, needs, what was satisfying, and what suited me.
Early on, I wanted to get “out there” and see what the dating scene was like. It was that new new for me, which was exciting. My eyes were wide, and I was bushy-tailed when I was out and about. I learned a little about how it was to be single, created profiles for online dating, and looked at this whole new world. There was even an Aladdin, but that is a tale for another time. (We’ll see…).
After being out there, I gained some experience. I blundered, I hoped, I had adventures, and I had disappointments. Along the way, I decided how I wanted to approach people and what I was aiming for in my pursuits. What naturally came to me was engaging with a few folks, identifying how we fit, what worked, and seeing what needs were being fulfilled.
Within the first 5 years, my initial roster was not planned. There were some guys that I went out with, here and there, and we continued to be in touch. We liked each other enough, enjoyed each other’s company, and saw each other enough but we were not “steady.”
At times, there were men who were floaters, they floated into my orbit, out of it, or by me. Often, those were “quick hits” - a nice date, a good kiss, interesting conversations, a brief connection, and even a spark. The interactions were pleasant, positive, and left you feeling good. There was the full awareness that the moments that were shared were exactly what was meant to be in that small pocket of time.
With some other guys, there were instances where after we spent time together, things kind of faded to the background for one another, while other people moved to the forefront. There were times when the busy aspects of our lives caused us to lose touch. There was nothing major that happened, and the fade was gradual.
One thing that did happen was that some of them would come back. One of my best friends, Rome, would say to me, “They always come back.” We both had come out of long-term relationships, around the same time, and shared our escapades and humorous dating encounters with one another. While always, may not be entirely accurate - the sentiment fits.
Another close friend, Bridget, calls people who return, “Boomerangs.” That is a good term for it. It is a fact, whether it is a positive or not, there will be people that you have moments and history with who return. The timing of those returns can be quite amusing for the good, because they showed up right when they were needed. They could even be the wrong kind of good and the right kind of “bad.” The flip side is where it could be comical because their reappearance would be ill-timed and completely inconvenient. Again, the universe can be on some stuff.
At the most random times, some fellas from my past have emerged and popped out of the woodwork. They may drop you a “breadcrumb” - like a “Hey” text out of nowhere. It is important to note that I have also been the one that has dropped breadcrumbs and been a “Hey” bandit myself. I have been on the receiving end, and I have also been the culprit that proved my boy Rome right. However it goes, your roster can present itself, can be assembled with care, and developed through seasons of dating.
[Quick warning: I mix metaphors and may jump around.]
Sometimes I look at these dynamics like a TV show and a cast of characters or…relate it to sports-related terminology. If you think of a television show or series, there are leads, supporting characters, sometimes featured ones, and guest stars.
With sports, there are rosters, rotations, reserves, leagues, majors, minors, starters, the bench, and players that get released. I have found that these terms have related to how I have operated over a number of years. There was a natural progression to how this developed.
As a single parent who was dating, there were a lot of scheduling constraints. Certain people I connected with online, or in-person made it to the next round because there was the combination of us liking one another and our schedules were compatible. That is huge when dating with a kid and especially a younger one.
Enter “Mister.” That is how I refer to him to other people. (He is well aware). I met Mister several years ago and our schedules and circumstances aligned. Neither of us had a lot of time to spare, but we made it work. We got to know each other very well through extended messaging and conversations. We were becoming friends as the physical aspects of our time together intensified.
What really helped me was that we were what I called, “Loosely Consistent.” There was care, investment, engagement, quality time, interaction, and extreme attraction. It fit the parameters of my single parent life and schedule really well. It also worked on his end.
The other thing that was special about our time together was that he was encouraging. He wanted me to have experiences, to go out with others, and he enjoyed hearing about it. He was supportive and assisted in instilling another level of confidence in me. It did not hurt that as things took some interesting turns during my escapades, there was a kink involved for him hearing about a saucy story or an interesting tale.
Mister was a lead. He was a starter and gave me the opportunity to scout other “talent.” The beauty of it was that the “loose consistency” was there and it served me. It did so more than I ever knew or understood back then. I was able to have security in having him in my corner and having a constant that was reliable.
As I continued to date, Mister held his spot. There would be the men that I spent more time with who could become recurring characters. These were not one-and-dones but people who made it past three or four outings, and we were intimate. Again, scheduling for both parties was a factor. Also, neither of us were trying to be exclusive, made it to that monogamous point, or had broached that topic yet.
There would be Mister and one or two people that I hung out with. That is dating. Everyone was informed on what they wanted to be and needed to be. Additionally, when navigating different dynamics, one type of thinking that was helpful was - do not ask any questions that you are not prepared to answer yourself nor…ask any questions where you are not prepared for the answer. I think you follow.
I typically maintained a roster of three. The number three was not by design and the three were not always the same. Roster rotations occurred naturally or due to certain outcomes. People rotated out and in.
Fellas were moved from the majors to the minors based on their actions or level of interaction. Just as others were “called up” from the minors because of their diligence, pursuit of having a bigger role, and level of quality in our time together. There were some that may have terminated their contract, contact, signed elsewhere, or been released. Some were placed in a reserve status based on things not working but it did not end poorly.
For a long time, it was The Big Three for me. Each man had their own particular set of skills, strengths, and kind of interplay. There ended up being a fluidity that was functional, fun, and fulfilling. There are challenges with this set up as well. The most unfun thing is when no one from your roster is available. You want to hang out, be close to someone, and you are just swinging in the wind. It is inevitable and it’s life.
The part that is very good and delicious - is when you are in the pocket. Scheduling is balanced. There is quality time happening with each person that speaks to the unique dynamic that you have with one another. It is the right attention, the right amount of it, and it feels fantastic.
In this dating arena, it was a certain attention and level of engagement that I identified as desirable. That emerged as I encountered different circumstances, situations, and approaches to people and with them. I like attention and I enjoyed this level of it.
It is not attention for attention’s sake. It is not seeking attention from any ole person. It was the attention of the individuals I was connected with. It was a buffet of experiences that were pretty delicious based on our connection and what we offered each other.
I did experience a hiatus from maintaining a roster when I fell in love with someone and he made the roster obsolete. He walked on and everything was swift. There was only one lead and star for me. It was love. After two and half years of being in a relationship and a dutiful girlfriend, this lady was back in the game.
Guess who the first person was who was at the ready? Yes, Mister was back in action and happy to have his contract renewed. (Apologies, I could not help myself with that one). For much of the time I was coupled up, recurring characters were trying to return and even some extras came out of nowhere. As the universe goes, the more committed I was, the more people were in my path trying to connect. Periodically, past folks would “come back” and reach out as well.
Post-relationship, I was a different person. Great to have been in love and have a boyfriend, but that was not the mode for me. I had enjoyed monogamy, and it was something I wanted. It became time for something else.
Please know that I did not just decide, act, snap my fingers, and “Bibbidi, Bobbidi, and Boo” myself into what came next. But…I must say this, “action begets action.” That is kind of how I roll. I decided that I wanted to partake in that buffet of experiences, but this time I would essentially - “Build-A-Boo.”
Yes, I would assemble and curate the kind of interactions, encounters, engagement, and substance, a la Build-A-Bear.
The Build-A-Boo mindset was inherently natural. I connected with different people who brought their own flavor to the mix. I continued to meet up with individuals who I enjoyed where there was intrigue, sparks, valuable time together, mutual respect, open dialogue, and well-communicated expectations.
Mister and I have known each other for years. We know one another and there is a shorthand between us and a depth to our bond, which was forged over time. I have different relationships with different people. I can do dinner, drinks, or an activity with a couple guys. I can have cozy and chill time at one of our places. Others, it may be very caring yet saucy. There can be spice and quality all at once or a range from full-on dating to being Friends with Benefits.
While I do not want limitations in meeting my wants and needs, there are boundaries that are agreed upon. It is not a free-for-all, and it is not about collecting people. It is about knowing what kind of experiences you want. It is about discernment. You can encounter people, and they stick - you two fit in a way that you define, it is mutually beneficial, and it clicks.
I choose a complimentary style of dating where no one person has to check off certain things (heck no). I appreciate our time together and we cultivate what works for us. There can be an overlap in the dynamics between different people I see or the flavor of it is on another end of the spectrum from another. The constants are respect, consent, understanding, and continuous communication.
There is value to the variety. It can be special seeing if there are people that you meet who can end up bringing something significant and unique to your time together. It really is the spice of life and can make life quite spicy.
I have found that the Build-A-Boo mindset has worked for me. I am not seeking one source of fun or companionship. It is multi-dimensional. It may not be for everyone. You have to be where you are. I have found joy. It was not my plan at the outset. Things have evolved over time, and this is where I am, and I am good.
Consider what you could build and what would work for you. I wish you well and I wish you a lot of goodness.